Understanding my myself....

Sometimes I feel like a stranger to myself - not knowing myself well enough. If you post this question to me:

1. "What do you like to do, in term of job or career?"
2. "What do I foresee myself doing for the next 10 years or till the end of my career line?"
3. "If I'm given a choice to choose, any job in the world, what would it be?"

My answer will be : "I donno leh" then shrug

Not only in terms of job decision, in terms of personal life, I'm always asking myself:

1. "What can I do with my life to make it more meaningful or more happier?"
2. "I have seen people who is very contented with their life, knowing what are their dreams and making use of their life to fulfill their life's ultimate goal. What is mine?"

My answer to these aspect of my life remain unknown as well.

Sad ala pathetic kan?

I think this is the downside of being too in touch with your emotions and allowing them to take charge in my life. I know I need to balance my logical and emotional side of me, but very often I give in to my emotional side.

Like example, lately I attended an interview. I started to feel overwhelm with the fact that I may have to decide or make decision (something which I don't like to do, especially big one that can affect portions of my life span), but on the other hand, I get very frustrated and trapped when I'm left with no options. I know what my best pal will say to me at times like this...."you very char boh kan sin la" (means - you want something but when it comes, you don't want it to come...)

Oh well, guess I have to learn how to listen to the real thought within myself instead of emotions that run wild at that point of time....

Worried...nervous....anxious.....ugh

Yes, I'm having a mixture of feelings, one which can relates and blend in to another. For those who know me in person, knows why I'm feeling this way. For those that don't, which I doubt there are any who will read this blog, I'm going for interview tomorrow.

Gosh, I can't remember when was the last formal interview I went. It could easily be like 2 years back. I get this 'butterfly in the stomach' feeling the night before the interview and I wonder why. Not that I'm facing some death sentence or dooms day, I just can't feel the inner peace in me.

We (my partner and I) took a ride to the interview place, knowing how bad I am with reading maps and knowing my way around PJ area. When we reached there, I have this sudden shocked at how grand the building look like. First thing that strike my mind was - damn, these ppl must be arrogant, stuck-up ppl who thinks that they are 10 times better than you. I felt intimidated, honestly. Not that my current company is small and less grand, just the appearance of the building itself gave me that kind of unsettling vibes.

Sigh......maybe years of settling down in a known environment gave u that kind of resistance to changes....I donno ....perhaps

Silly me ya.....

Another note that made me feel nervous is knowing the fact that 4 ppl will be interviewing me - 2 locals and 2 Aussie. Yes.....major freaky moments

I hope tomorrow my lucky star will shine on me and gave me the courage to show these guys that I am not to be underestimated. Before that, let me get a good rest and be prepared with a fresh looking face tomorrow. LOL

Ok good night ppl....wish me luck....

Mental Block.....Ugh....

Ugh.... It's one of those moment when my mind just refuse to function beyond its basic survival mode.
I never have problem with "massaging" massive amount of data. But now, I just don't know what to do with the big load of data in front of me. I don't even know where to start and what to analyse, not to mention draw conclusion from those data.

Guess it's the way my mind is telling me.... enough for today....

Good night cyber world....
I'm gonna off my lappy and go back to the book I am reading.... ^_^

Which way.....

Today was another day of presentation. I presented to all the countries lead in the afternoon, sharing with them their achievement and review with them, what is working and what is not. I spent the whole morning preparing for a couple of slides to start my preaching at 1.30 pm. I finished the whole deck by 12 pm and I thought of taking a short nap until 1.30 pm before I start presenting (yes, I'm working from home again today.....nyek nyek nyek).

I turn on some soft instrumental music from a Japanese anime and I lied down on the bed. Tezel came and lied down next to me and we both slept. To my surprise, when I woke up, it was alreadt 1.35 pm and I quickly scooped Tezel up and put him back in his cage and initiate the conference call.

After apologized for being late due to the previous discussion (yes, I lied, I can't be telling them I overslept, can I.....) and I started off with the presentation. It went on well, I praised a few ppl here and there and try to motivate the team to do better in the program. I really have tough time motivating people where I myself, I'm stucked and confused with what will be the direction for me to drive this program.

That leads to another presentation that I have with the VP on clarifying the direction how he want this program to run in his organization. Yes...."mulut laser" session again which I was not really looking forward to. But, oh well, part of the job....

I spent the whole afternoon working on the slide deck that I want to sell the idea to him. Reviewed it with my lady Taiwanese boss, which I think she is kinda smart when she is focusing on your topic. Got a couple of valuable inputs from her to enhance my slides and off I go into the conference call with the VP at 5.30 pm. From the start of the presentation, as expected, multiple direct ammo were aiming at me but I would would gave myself some credit for dodging a few. (Kudos to myself.... yay)

Half way thru the presentation, he just stopped me and said :

VP: Have you been in touch with your WW (world-wide) counterpart?

Me: Yea..... (feeling puzzled)

VP: Who are those names that you are in contact with?

Me: Ermm.... they are....(naming the few WW people that I worked with)

VP: OK, good. This is the thing, soon you will see there will be a shift of direction from the management side and the top leaders has all agreed to it. ...(He start sharing the new strategy which I have not heard of)

Me: uumm.... uh huh.... errr.... OK. Well, to be honest, this comes as a surprise to me coz none of my WW contacts have shared this plan with us from the region.

VP: Expected.... (He start sharing with me how view and his plan and what to focus on and what I should spend my time working on.....)

Me: ...... (speechless and listen quietly).....

Basically, his approach is like this :

1. Don't stop the model you have today
2. Focus on a totally brand new model that you think it will work.
3. Don't work on improving the old model and relabel them as new.
4. Tear down the whole house and build a new one....

Hmmm.....I was totally speechless coz this is the first time ever I'm hearing all this. Oh well, guess one thing I need to do now is - go bug my WW counterpart and see if they are having the same insight of what my VP has shared with me. Gosh....I hate to be in a position where I don't know where to go or which direction should I focus on.

Oh well, the call with WW is 10 pm tonight (yes....night call and damn, those chirpy people who can't seems to stop talking in the early hours of their day) and I hope that they will share something which is align with what my VP was telling me. Else, I'll be stuck in a difficult situation again.

Let's hope that I don't have to end up in that deep hole again.....

Oh yea, first time ever, I got compliment from my lady boss that I did a very good presentation and I can articulate it very well.  Yay to me.... ^_^

Just for a change....

Today I had a long busy day again and one thing I hate about having a long busy day is to have night call with people from US / Europe. When the call starts, my mind if literally at 10% battery life, enough to sustain the basic function of my body - sit up and open my eyes. However, for those guys on the other side of the world, it's just the starting of their day and God knows why, these people really know how to start their day. They can be so energetic, chirpy and talked like today is the last day of their life.... they laugh, joke, feel so happy and grateful that a new day have started, new hope and yada yada yada.....

How I wish I can adopt some of that mentality..... So, I'll worry about that when the clock strikes 10 tonight.

Hmm... as usual, I'm in front of my computer, trying to log in WoW and .... BAM ..... 900+ queue in position, that means I can only get to play in another 30 mins or so. Well, decided to give my blog a new make-over, new colour, new font style and bla bla bla....

After 35 mins of fondling with the functions and layout, finally I'm satisfied....at least for now. I guess the thought of why I wanted to change my blog is also due to the meeting I had this afternoon with my boss, my VP and another China colleague of mine. We (me and my China colleague) were suppose to present our work to our VP. Although he has a annoying sense of humor, at least he takes the effort to praise you after he have shoot you 4 feet underground. Guess from this experience, I know why my lady boss was so eager to make me re-work my slide deck in the past 2 days. The level of details and the ability to stay focus that my VP has amazed me. I always thought, people at that level would only like to look at things from a helicopter view. I was soooo wrong. I'm not sure if I'm unlucky to have one that is so detailed oriented or I'm lucky to have leader who knows what is going on under his nose. That remains a question mark to me and it's very subjective depending on my mood..... ya ya...b*tchy me...

Well, I donno why but I felt much better after having that session with him, definitely not because I enjoyed his "mulut laser" session, but at least I know someone up there knows that I existed. Another point that I realized is my lady boss did try to defend her staff, of coz with her limited vocab but at least she tried. For that, I gave her credit and I think I will take back 30% of the horrible things I said about her.... Yes, she is still a pain in the xxx to me but not entirely a b*tch.....

Well, I guess it's time for me scrap away some of the negative thoughts and try to stay positive for a change...I know it's easy to say than done but at least I know I am not alone, struggling in the new job. That China colleague of mine face the same thing as well so we both sort of group up and b*the a little after the meeting.... like they say, when you are in a bad situation, whoever that stays in your boat will be your best ally and support you can ever get.....

Time to stop typing and start WoW-ing.... ^_^

Employer - Employee relationship....

Do I like my boss?
Or
Does my boss like me?

I donno....seriously!!

I don't know if I don't like my boss or I just simply don't understand her.
Our conversations seems to end up in a different end-point, not to mention coming to a common understanding to make decisions. I'm always questioning myself, is it me being paranoid again or it's just her who is not open to comments and feedback.

Today I had my 1:1 session with her, the session where we talked about my achievement in the last 12 months and getting into the same agreement that the goals set have been completed and closed. I really have tough time to make her understand my view. I explained and explained, conclusion is:

 Boss: "OK, you can think again and revise the completion % but I don't think it's 70% completed. To me, it's just 30%"

Me: "OK, if that is how you put it, then I don't think I have any choice"

It is always this way, whenever we discuss about anything, when she failed to convinced me or she is out of vocab to you (btw, she is a Taiwanese), she will just put a full stop to the sentence and say, OK, I still think it's like this and not that...period.

To me, I think she is a nice person but I don't think our personality can click in terms of working. I came across an article on the web which gives some tips on how to work effectively with your boss. It goes:


Tips # 1:
The relationship between you and your boss is likely a circular relationship: if you like your boss, your boss likes you; if your boss likes you, you like your boss. Overlook actions of your boss that may disappoint you and be conscious of how you react to conflicts

Tips # 2
Suit his/her work style. Understand your boss’s thought processes, preferences and pet-peeves. If your boss is hands-on, favors raw data for making decisions, resists confrontations or avoids risk, you must be sensitive and suit his/her style. You may be able to sell your boss on the merits of changes to his/her style; however, realize that change takes time and is not guaranteed.

Tips # 3
When your boss succeeds, you succeed. Understand your boss’s role, his/her strengths, weaknesses and goals. Ask how you can support his/her objectives and the organization’s goals. Do not assume his/her expectations of you. Communicate continually by detailing progress on your assignments and by giving prompt feedback on challenges you face and asking for support.

Tips # 4
Realize that one hand cannot clap. Fundamentally, people are different; their perspectives and work-styles are different. You are very lucky if you have a boss who is competent and supportive—somebody who is genuinely interested in your assignments and career advancement. Recognize early if things are not going well; be open and straight-forward in communicating your thoughts and if changes you made have not improved the situation appreciably, be prepared to leave


I doubt if I can even past for Tips # 2. Anyways, will continue to try till the day she pushes me off the limit. Then it would be my turn to say :

Me: NAH.....do it yourself la.....

Wishful thinking? I hope so coz I don't wish for that day to come so soon..... I like my company, just don't like the people that I work for...... Wish me luck... 

Just a click away....

Today is one of those days when I feel gloomy again. I feel so drained out the moment I read the email from my manager.She is one of those detailed with high expectation kinda boss - very difficult to achieve her expectation.

I worked on a slide deck last night till 10 pm... yes from morning 9 am to 10 pm, trying to put a complete region + country analysis for a survey that I have conducted in September. Frankly, I feel kinda glad that I have take off one task off my plate and I can move on to the other. But, this morning I saw a long email from her @ 11.00 pm, stating a long list of comments on what's missing and how I can further improve the deck.

WTH....!!

I went thru the slide deck with her this morning, guess what.....only 40% of my whole day's effort is good to go. That means I need to work on the other 60% by Wednesday. I do see the point where she is coming from but I feel that certain things we don't have to spoon-feed the other team. Just picture this, the report she wants to have must have the same capabilities like Google map, from a earth view down to the specific location of an individual house. That is is the level of drill-down she is hoping to see.

Oh well, like I was telling my 'sister' this morning, the solution to my misery is just a click of a button away. I told him that I have even typed out the resignation letter in my mailbox. All I need to do is to click on the button "Send". However, question to myself, what's next? The thought to that question is the show-stopper to my "smurf" land, coz I know right after I click 'Send', more worries will come and it won't be as easy as ranting it out to solve it. For now, ranting does ease down a bit of the pain..... to all my 'sisters' out there, I'm sorry but you have to bear with me for a couple of months till I get another alternative...

Like what they say, that is what sisters are for right? ........ *hugz*

What makes a good leader....

Today was a very disappointed day for me at work. After going thru 2 months of misery and torture doing my new role, finally I know why I am struggling so hard to adapt to it. It seems pretty clear to me that, my so-called management does not have a clear direction for all its team. I think not only me who feels the frustration but some of the country manager are uneasy with the way how our VP is leading this team.

Today, my email to request for country representative to collect feedback was the triggering factor that break the silent war between some managers. One after another start to pour out their thought on how confusing the way each segment is working with each other. All except my manager who thank all the manager's feedback and say she will clarify with the VP. Not a single word to defend me, nor try to explain and neutralize the situation. That is how weak my new manager is among her peers.

I'm truly disappointed with the kind of question that she asked me after the whole drama is over. Those are the type of questions she should know as my manager. I have been updating her with my progress status all this while. Guess it's either we have language gap issue (English is not her primary language) or she is just bring selective in listening. Whatever it is, it's not doing me any good.

Although she will help me to talk to her VP, but I feel that this is something she should have done 2 months back when she took over the team. Why now? After all the direction and guidance that she ask me to take, it's all base on zero knowledge of what she knows. Disappointing.....fail

Guess that is why I'm always hitting the dead zone. Blind leading the blind....cool eh...

I have always envy my colleague who have manager with good leadership. Immediately u can tell, he/she will share with u the vision and mission of the team and guide u all the way to reach the finishing line. They will always tell you, your success is my success.

Guess I'm always not in the luck to get a good manager. Could it be me who is expecting too much? Or just plain luck....I donno

Everyone can be a manager but not everyone can be a leader. I always believe this.....

Guess time for me to sleep amd put all the worries behind. I'm just too tired to think or even rant about it.....

Good night bad Thursday and welcome Good Friday,,,,..

Personality Reborn.....

Yesterday I had a short tea break session with a colleague of mine who is back in KL for a week. I was telling her the difficulty I'm having with my new role and she dragged me to pantry to share with me some advise and guidance. I felt so much better after talking to her.

Frankly, she used to be someone whom I'm not keen to work with. She is short tempered, very demanding and escalate all the way up if she don't get what she wants.

2 years back, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and she was on prolong sickness leave for 6 months. When she was back to work, she was totally a new person. She is no longer that difficult to work with. A couple of months after she was back to work, she moved out from her sales team and join the operation team. In her new role, we did worked together in a couple of projects and to be honest, I find her so pleasant to work with. We became regular chit chat buddy when we moved to the new office.

I feel sad when she decided to move down to SG. On and off we do chat via the office communicator and we will always stop by each other's cubicle whenever we are on site, be it I'm in SG or she is in KL.

Well, I guess life experience can really change a person, be it his/her bad habits, in-born traits or personality. For her, I guess she learnt how to find peace with herself and it's easier to lead a life by helping people rather than making other people's life miserable.

Anxiety strike before the Monday sun rise....

It has been a while since I feel very anxious on the Sunday night. Tons of worries for unresolved issues, timeline to meet and challenges that i'm not able to overcome, will haunt my mind whenever I try to sleep.

The last time when I had this issue was 2 years back when I was put under a manager who changes her direction according to her mood. One day she is fine, the other day she will question you on your actions which you have reviewed with her.

Now, I'm back in this situation where I know what I need to deliver but the problem is, I donno how to achieve it. None of my team mate is able to help me, neither can my manager. Everyday I'm just running around in circle like a headless chicken, knocking on any possible door that I can find to look for answers.

Oh well maybe like what my partner AK said - I'm taking my work too personal. I just feel responsible on whatever that is assign to me and it's my job to start and complete it. Maybe I'm setting too high expectation on myself that is beyond what I can cope. Or maybe I'm just not planning out the right strategy. I donno and I seriously need guidance....

Well, it's about 12.05 am now and I'm still writing this post. Just hoping that after I have publish this, I will have a good night sleep through-out the whole night,

Wish me a good smooth sailing week ahead... ^^